Would You Like Fries With That?
by vts
Summary: What happens when Hiei is forced to work at a fast food restaurant? Chaos and insanity, that's what! [DISCONTINUED]
1. The insanity begins

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Would You Like Fries With That?

Chapter One

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This is my first attempt at a humor fic. I feel that I'm horrible at humor, but I needed something else to write besides my depressing-angsty-drama-stuff that I write all the time. -sigh- Anyway, my friend gave me the idea when we were at lunch and chatting about possible plots. Then, she said the words that led to the creation of this: "What if Hiei was forced to work at a McDonald's?" It just took off from there.

The first couple of chapters are pre-written; by the time this chapter is posted, my friend and I have probably have started writing Chap. 5. I'll probably update weekly, maybe more or less than that, depending on school, moods, etc. 

Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or any of the characters in it. The characters that appear later belong to themselves. I was originally going to have Hiei work at McDonald's, but I don't want to get sued, so we changed the name to something else. 

Warnings: Randomness, OOC-ness, fangirl attacks in later chapters.

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One sunny day in Ningenkai, everything seemed to be going well. The sun was shining, birds were singing, people were smiling and laughing, and quarrels were nonexistent. There was no school, for it was a weekend, yet everything seemed to be in perfect harmony.

Today was not that day.

Hiei Jaganshi was sitting in his tree, minding his own business. The birds were silent, clouds blocked the sun, and most people were off at school, including Kurama. He liked it without the others around; they got on his nerves sometimes. However, things got a little dull without them, and he thought about stopping at Genkai's temple to visit Yukina, but decided against it. He decided to enjoy the silence while it lasted.

The silence didn't last long. A loud yell erupted throughout the park as a girl riding an oar flew down from the sky, her face contorted in a ^______^-like expression. Her cerulean hair held up in a ponytail whipped across her face, and her violet eyes were full of emotion. She came to a stop next to the tree and got off, looking up at the fire youkai.

Annoyed, Hiei glared down at the ferry-girl. In reaction, Botan's expression changed from happy-hyper-FUN!!! to one of nervousness and fright.

"Uh...sorry to disturb you, but Koenma has a new assignment for you!" Botan chirped, her voice the same as always: chipper, happy, and high-pitched.

Hiei winced from the sheer annoyance of her voice. "Hn. What does he want? And why is he asking me and not the detective, the fox, or the baka?" 

"He's not asking anybody else because he thinks that you're the best pick for this job."

"And why is that?"

She shrugged. "No idea. Anyway, there's a demon working at a human fast-food restaurant who is putting magic in the food that makes the consumers his slaves. Your task is the work there, find out who he is, stop him, and apprehend him."

"Sounds easy enough. Should I go there now?"

"No, not yet. You need the uniform first." And with that, Botan tossed some clothes to him that were - oh, horrors! - _Purple!!_

Hiei immediately twitched because of the color, but his expression - an irritated one at first - turned to one of disgust when he saw the clothes in all their glory. The shirt was short-sleeved with a chest pocket on the left, and a little silver "O" on the other side. The pants were a simple black color. But the worst part of it was that there was...are you ready...a HAT!

He stared at the uniform in disbelief before he glared at Botan again, his red eyes blazing. "Do I HAVE to wear this?" he hissed.

"Bingo!" Her face was back in its normal happy expression, a grin plastered on her face.

Hiei stared at the clothes again, then closed his eyes and counted to ten, hoping that they would look somewhat nicer when he reopened them. Alas, when he opened his eyes, they were still there, as purple and black and hat-ish as ever.

"Do I _REALLY_ have to wear this?" he asked again, his voice even more venomous.

"Yep!" Botan replied cheerily, but there was a nervous edge to her reply, and small sweatdrops were forming on the back of her head.

Hiei didn't notice, as he was busy sticking his fingers in his ears to block out Botan's screech. He took a deep breath and looked at her again, his stare almost at the point of one of his infamous death glares. "Do you have to be so cheery all the time?"

"Of course!"

The fire youkai fumed. He was almost getting to the point where if he didn't...ah..._let out his stress_ fast, he would blow up. "Can you turn your voice down _just a little bit?_" he growled.

"Nope!"

When Hiei reached for his katana, Botan finally got the point and jumped on her oar, just missing getting her arm hacked off. Slightly relieved, the unfortunate demon leaned back on his tree and was about to take another nap when he realized that Botan never told him where exactly he had to work. He would have to chase her down and ask her.

Poor Hiei.

-

Blah, this was a short chapter. X_x The next ones are longer, though, and better. 

Next chapter: Hiei finally gets to the fast-food restaurant of doom! Its name is O'Christopher's, but there's something strange about the workers there, and who knew how hard it would be to put a hat on?

Review, please! ^_^


	2. Strange Workers and Annoying Hats

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Would You Like Fries With That?

Chapter Two

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This is much better than the last chapter, IMO. ^^;; The insanity really starts in this chapter. Poor, poor Hiei…XD

Disclaimer: Hm...Do I own YYH? Let me think about that...

Lawyers: -ATTACK-

Akumu: O_O NO, I DON'T, I DON'T!! 

Lawyers: -disappear-

-

"Koenma-sama, why did you make ME talk to him?" Botan asked later at Koenma's palace. She was scared out of her wits just from even talking to Hiei, so be chased by him throughout Yusuke's hometown to answer a question was terrifying in her eyes.

"You're the only one who I can trust with this," the toddler replied from his desk. "What was the excuse that you gave?"

"Uh…I said that there was a demon putting stuff…in…the food…" Botan replied, sweatdropping as she realized the lameness of her excuse. "Koenma-sama, I'm having second thoughts about…"

"Nonsense!" Koenma barked. "We need a vacation, don't you agree?"

"Er…"

"And you will also agree that we all need a good laugh?"

"Yes, but-"

"What's the harm? It's just for fun."

"The 'harm' is that he has a short temper and that he can kill us. I think that that far outweighs the 'fun'; don't you think? And what if Enma finds out? How many spanking would he give you?"

There was a long pause.

"Oh," Koenma said, coughing. "Oh. Well, uh…I'll find a way to protect us from Hiei's wrath. I'll also find a way to prevent my dad from finding out." 

Botan sweat-dropped.

"But, that's not the point of this, is it. Let's forget about the bad things and enjoy the show!"

The ferrygirl sighed. Koenma, grinning behind his binkie, turned on the giant television that he usually watched to monitor the Tantei's fights. He struggled to hold back his laughter, and even Botan succumbed to some high-pitched giggles as they watched the strange image of Hiei standing in front of a fast-food restaurant.

__

Welcome to O'Christopher's!

That was the message that first leaped out to Hiei as he approached the place where he would work very soon. He stood in front of it, wondering when he could turn back. It was a brick structure with large posters covering the windows, saying things like "Try our Chicken O'Tenders! Now made with 100% dark meat!" and "It's gigantic! It's delicious! What is it, exactly? Who knows? It's The Thing!" 

He nearly shivered. What kind of horrors would he face in there?

Uniform tucked under a shoulder, he pushed open the door and walked into the building. Immediately, he was assaulted with the smells of cooking fries, burgers, and Enma knows what else. People were yelling, kids were playing with their cheap toys, and on top of it all there were pictures of a fearsome-looking leprechaun with a plastered grin on his face waving to onlookers. "Mister O'Christopher is happy to see you!" a sign in front of him said.

Disgusted, Hiei turned to leave, but was stopped by a voice that called, "Hey! You're the new worker, aren't you?"

Cursing Koenma, he turned to face the one that called him to find an acne-ridden teenager dressed in the horrid uniform of doom. His eyes looked glazed, as if he was looking at some faraway place, but he was staring right at the fire youkai.

Slightly disturbed by the worker's behavior, Hiei shook his head. "No, I'm not whoever you said I was."

"Don't try to fool me!" the teenager whispered, shaking his head. "I know that you're meant to be here. It…is…DESTINY…" the guy groaned, shaking his head afterward. "RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" he yelled, causing many people to turn and stare at him.

Hiei merely raised an eyebrow. "Fool. I have no idea what you're talking about."

The poor soul let out a screech and ran to the back, leaving to woman who was ordering her food deserted at the counter. She blinked, mumbled to herself, and walked out of the building. 

At that point, Hiei wanted to walk out of the building and pretend that nothing happened. However, such was not the case, as people were peering curiously at the purple uniform clenched tightly under his arm. One of his infamous death glares caused them to gulp, turn pale, and go back to whatever they were doing before.

"Hiei Jaganshi?" A new girl was at the counter, staring at him. "You're the new worker, right?"

"Hn."

"The manager will see you now, in the back."

Hiei was silent as he went past the counter and toward the door that had the words "Employees Only" written in blinding silver letters. As soon as the door shut, the letters were turned to ashes on the floor.

The room beyond was a simple white painted square with lockers lining one wall. Standing in the middle was another worker who looked like a teenager, slightly older than the girl at the counter, but it was hard to tell because the hat's shadow was shading his face. However, what could be seen was an odd, cheery smile, his yellow teeth clenched as if in a silent vow never to frown.

"Hiei? Our new slave – I mean – employee?" he asked. His voice sounded oddly familiar, and if Hiei wasn't so concerned about his dignity dying, he might have recognized it.

"Hn," was the only reply.

The manager cocked his head to one side. "Okay, then. You'll be…" The manager's face turned pale. He dropped to his knees, back arched in pain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!" he cried. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

Suddenly the cries stopped. The manager jumped to his feet, his smile still intact.

"You'll be working in the back," he said. "Put your uniform on and cook those burgers!"

The sheer craziness of the place combined with Hiei's lack of knowledge of what a burger was led the half-Koorime's expression to be somewhere along the lines of "O_o".

In the bathroom, Hiei had already put on his shirt and pants, but he left the hat off for obvious reasons. However, when he walked out to start his job, the crazed manager was standing there.

"You can't cook burgers without your hat!"

"You're joking," Hiei replied, praying that it was a joke.

"Nope!" the manager replied. Noticing how much he sounded like Botan, Hiei cringed and ran back into the bathroom.

Of course, he was having problems putting the hat on. He was looking in the mirror, trying to fit the hat on his head without killing his hair and/or destroying the hat and failing miserably. No matter how many times he forced the hat on his head, his hair would stick up and push it off. Finally, he crunched his cat whisker-like hair down and put the purple hat on. His hair stayed down for a minute or so, but it stuck up again immediately, impaling the hat in the process. Agitated, Hiei grabbed the hat off his head and walked out of the bathroom, defeated.

The manager ambushed him as soon as he got out, the smile still on his face. "Why isn't the hat on your head?"

Hiei held up the torn remains of the hat that had to suffer through his hair. The manager stared blankly as the hat then "spontaneously" combusted. The disgruntled demon then dropped the remains on the floor, an eye still narrowed from the annoyance of the guy's creepy smile.

"Well, that's too bad!" the manager said cheerily.

"Does that mean I can't work here?" Hiei asked, trying to hide the hope edging in his tone.

"Nope!" As if to solve the problem, the manager handed Hiei a purple visor with a little silver "O" in the middle, just like almost everything else in that place. Hiei twitched.

"Oh, and you need to take off your headband," the manager said.

Hiei reached up to his Jagan, touched the material over it, and looked back at the manager.

"Are you sure?" Hiei asked him.

The manager sighed. "Of course! The headband discourages the visor."

"Are you REALLY sure?" Hiei asked, wondering how stupid people could be.

"Yes, Mr. Jaganshi. Now, take the headband off, or you won't be able to get to work!"

He twitched. "What if I don't _want_ to work?"

"YOU WILL WORK!" the manager suddenly growled loudly, his ever-smiling face contorted in a deep frown, for once. 

Hiei just stood there, a blank expression on his face although he was really surprised by that sudden outburst. However, feelings of surprise quickly turned to anger, and one of his eyes began to twitch madly. He reached up and clutched his headband, curious to see how the manager would react to seeing his third eye, but then a completely random thing happened with the youkai randomly remembering something that Botan had randomly said to him in a flashback.

-Begin Flashback-

"You can't reveal to anybody that you're a demon!" Botan shouted, usual grin on her face.

"Or what?" Hiei asked dully.

"Or else I'll give Kuwabara your permission to go on a date with Yukina!"

"Hn."

-End Flashback-

"Hn," Hiei said, dropping his hand from his headband. As much as he didn't want to believe that Botan would actually did that, he wasn't going to take any chances. "Can't take the headband off. I had a head injury, and there's a massive scar left over. It'd…'discourage the visor' even more."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the manager said, not sounding sorry at all. "You can just wear the visor over the headband. Now, go in the back and wait for one of our seniors to guide you in the ways of cooking fast food!"

"What fun," the new worker of O'Christopher's muttered under his breath.

-

Yes, that flashback was vague on purpose. XD I'm sorry, I needed another excuse for Hiei to work there. Oh, and starting next chapter, "The Manager" will not be called "The Manager" anymore. Yes, he's somebody from the series; you'll just have to find out who next chapter. ^_^

NEXT CHAPTER: Who is "the manager"? His identity is finally revealed...and a girl worker teaches Hiei the grueling task of cooking a burger, and then EATING it! How will Hiei ever survive? 

EDIT - 1/10: Guys, I'm uploading this chapter ahead of time because I'm going to be grounded from the computer for a little while. I've been slacking off on working on my science report, and with my mood swings and crap, it doesn't make it any better. I'm not sure when I can upload the next chapter. I'm sorry, everyone. T__T

REVIEW RESPONSES

Akumu: WHOO! I GOT REVIEWS! ^_____^

Hiei: -blurs in from nowhere- YOU! 

Akumu: -bleep-! O_O WHERE'D YOU COME FROM!?

Hiei: ...Hn. -slowly pulls katana out of sheath, eye twitching-

Akumu: O_O -turns to paper- I'll need to do this quickly, as my time looks as if it'll be...er...cut short. ^_^;;;

KF/KOTSE - I'm glad that somebody thought that it was hilarious! ^_^ Hopefully, this chapter is, too, instead of just plain weird...

Lost Lioncourt - Thanks! ^_^

Chibish-elf - It's interesting? ^^; Thanks!

Rory And The Evilness - Good plot? I hope it didn't get _too_ screwed in this chapter. XD Anyway, thanks!

Serena - WHOO! YOU FOUND OUR FIC! ^___^

Hiei: What do you mean by "our" fic? -decides to stop look intimidating and just holds katana against Akumu's neck-

Akumu: O___O Er...uh...jsladkgjioas;ejasgkl....

Hiei: -_- Answer me, or you'll never write again.

Akumu: O.O Uh, she's the one who...er...came up with the idea for this fic...and she wrote some of it, too! ^^;;;;;;;;;

Hiei: O_o What?! YOU BAKA ONNA!! -blurs off to find Serena-

Akumu: X_X -falls off chair- RUN, SERENA, RUN!!!!


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